Tropic Thunder -2008- -unrated Director--s Cut-... -

No animals were harmed. Several actors’ egos were. This film is dedicated to the real simple jacks of Hollywood: the script supervisors.

Then Les Grossman walks in. He holds up a phone.

The title card slams down over a new cold open:

We see Tugg Speedman (Ben Stiller) in full prosthetic makeup as “Simple Jack,” but the scene is nine minutes long and deeply uncomfortable. After the third “You m-m-m-make me wanna have a b-b-b-baby,” the director (a cameo by David O. Russell , screaming) forces Tugg to do 27 takes. Tugg breaks down sobbing, not as Simple Jack, but as himself. “I sold my soul for a Razzie,” he whispers. The scene ends with a title card: This footage was deemed “too mean for Hollywood” – so we put it back in. Tropic Thunder -2008- -Unrated Director--s Cut-...

“They forgot me here. The director’s cut never ends. Send… craft services…”

We open not in Vietnam, but at a Tobey Maguire-era Spider-Man 3 press junket, 2007. A nervous Kirk Lazarus (Robert Downey Jr., still as the “Australian method actor”) is asked about his controversial “pigmentation alteration” for an upcoming war film. Before he can answer, the screen glitches. A distorted voice— “The director’s cut is not for you. It’s for the people they left behind.” —throws us into a VHS-quality audition tape.

“They still don’t know they’re in a movie… but now you will.” No animals were harmed

We are on a . The entire jungle was a set. The cast is standing around, exhausted. Kirk Lazarus is out of character, talking to a therapist (played by Paul Thomas Anderson , uncredited). Tugg Speedman is crying into a Booty Sweat can.

The original climax happens—explosions, Grossman’s helicopter ballet, the big statue collapse. But then the screen cuts to black.

“Great news, you talentless wonders. The director’s cut just streamed 40 million minutes. They want a sequel. And this time…” He grins. “We’re shooting in .” Then Les Grossman walks in

We hear clapperboards. Lights turn on.

A door slams. A lock turns. The screen goes to static.