Night shift rules: check all six coolers. Identify the host. Burn the correct sigil. I opened Cooler 4. Empty. Cooler 5. A child. Cooler 6. The body I’d already embalmed—Mr. Henderson—was back inside, still wet with my incisions. Except his mouth was open now. Wide. Something dark dripped from his tongue.
I thought the Switch version would be tamer. Handheld mode, brightness halfway down, cat on my lap. Comfort horror. The Mortuary Assistant Switch NSP -eShop-
I heard a locker slam in the hallway behind me. Not in-game. In my actual hallway. The cat arched. The Switch vibrated once—a low, guttural pulse that didn’t match any controller rumble I’ve felt before. The screen displayed a single line of text: Night shift rules: check all six coolers
Five stars. Never playing again. The Mortuary Assistant is out now on the Nintendo eShop. Download if you dare. And if the game asks for your blood type… lie. I opened Cooler 4
I saved. I quit. I deleted the NSP from my SD card. But the icon stayed on my home menu for three hours. And when I finally went to sleep, I dreamed I was embalming myself.