The room is dark except for the blue glow of a bulky CRT television. A child, KAI (8), sits cross-legged on a shag carpet, clutching a thick plastic DVD case. The case art is embossed: in big orange letters. The tagline reads: “Meet the world’s first modern family.”
The family soars on the back of a giant, colorful macaw-thing over a lava field. The 5.1 surround sound on the DVD crackles. The music swells—Alan Silvestri’s score sounds like Back to the Future but with bongos. The Croods 2013 Dvd
Nicole Kidman, in a red dress, walks through a fake cinema. She whispers, “We come to this place… for magic.” She winks. A bell rings. Max mocks her whisper. The room is dark except for the blue
The TV hums. The carpet smells like popcorn dust. The tagline reads: “Meet the world’s first modern family
Slow motion. A hummingbird the size of a thumb. Beyoncé voices a leaf queen. “This May… find the hero inside.” Kai thinks it looks too serious. Max says, “Boring. Skip.”
The screen blasts neon blue. Smurfette is kidnapped in Paris. Neil Patrick Harris looks confused. A live-action cat hisses. Max laughs at a fart joke involving Gargamel. Kai stares blankly.
A silent, frozen image of Jack Frost. The “Rent This Movie Now!” banner scrolls over it. The DVD player’s buffer wheel spins. Then—