The vicar, Mr. Crumble, attempted to educate her. He brought her a Bible. She read it in an afternoon, then returned it with a list of forty-three logical inconsistencies written in the margins. He brought her a hymnal. She rewrote the melodies in minor keys, claiming they were “more dramatically satisfying.”
They built her a small workshop behind the chapel. She repaired clocks, which she found “deeply stupid but charming,” and continued her experiments. Socrates the ferret lived to a ripe old age, fat and twitch-free. The night-blooming cereus became the pride of Batherton-on-Mere.
Sir Reginald Hoax opened his mouth. Closed it. Opened it again. No sound came out.
“Like its exhibitor,” whispered Mrs. Pettle, loudly. Pobres Criaturas
It was then that the peculiarities began.
She opened the book to a random page. “Page ninety-one: ‘Subject M has escaped again. Found her in the garden, attempting to teach the tortoise to dance. She said the tortoise lacked ambition. I am considering a larger cage.’”
A child laughed. An adult shushed him.
The citizens of Batherton-on-Mere agreed on three things about Miss Marjorie Finch: first, that she was excessively tall for a woman; second, that her laughter sounded like a startled goose being stepped on by a cab horse; and third, that she had arrived in their respectable town under circumstances that were, to put it charitably, irregular .
“Because, Timothy,” she said, “I was not born. I was assembled.”
Miss Finch, it turned out, knew nothing. Nothing at all. She did not know that one did not eat the wax on a cheese wheel. She did not know that asking a gentleman, “What is the precise mechanism by which your trousers stay affixed to your person?” was considered impolite. She did not know that the proper response to “Lovely weather” was not, “Statistically, it is within the average range of precipitation for this region.” The vicar, Mr
She was a poor creature—and she was finally, gloriously, home.
Miss Marjorie Finch paused. She tilted her head, and for a moment, something behind her eyes clicked—an audible, metallic tick .
The widow Pettle, peering through her lace curtains, was the first to note that Miss Finch’s coat was made of a material that shimmered like fish scales, and that her boots were of a design no reputable cobbler would claim. Furthermore, her hair was the color of a new penny—not the faded copper of age, but the aggressive shine of a freshly minted coin. She read it in an afternoon, then returned
“I have his notebook,” Miss Finch continued, pulling a leather-bound volume from her reticule. “Page forty-three: ‘Subject M displays rudimentary consciousness but no moral compass. She has asked why she cannot fly. I have explained the square-cube law. She cried for three hours. Fascinating.’”