Julie Ann Gerhard Ironman Swimsuit Spectaculaavi Guide

She blasted the air horn. BRRRRAAAAAP!

Her target was not the pros. They were too fast, too focused, too… wet. Her target was the back of the pack. The ones who had trained for a year but were already swallowing water. The ones whose goggles had fogged. The one who had forgotten to apply anti-chafe balm in a very specific and regrettable location.

Julie Ann knelt down, her spectacular suit squeaking against the wet wood. “Honey,” she whispered, “in this race, the last person to leave the water is the one who stayed in the longest. That’s not last. That’s the champion of perseverance.” Julie Ann Gerhard IRONMAN SWIMSUIT SPECTACULAavi

She would. In the trunk of her car was a sequined tracksuit and a sign that read: “YOU DID IT, YOU ABSOLUTE MANIAC.”

“Alright, team,” Julie Ann announced to the five bewildered volunteers she had commandeered. “The first wave is out. We have exactly fourteen minutes before the age-groupers hit the first buoy. I need the ‘GO JULIE’ sign at twelve o’clock high, and the air horn primed for the crying guy in the neon-green cap. He looked like he needed encouragement.” She blasted the air horn

“Kevin!” Julie Ann shrieked, reading the name written on his arm in permanent marker. “You are a magnificent sea creature! That water is not your enemy; it is your liquid courage! Up, up, up, stroke!”

By the time the last swimmer—a tearful, exhausted grandmother named Helen—dragged herself onto the boat ramp, Julie Ann was out of air-horn fuel, her voice was a hoarse whisper, and her rhinestones were starting to come loose, leaving a trail of glitter on the dock like breadcrumbs. They were too fast, too focused, too… wet

When a man named “Chad” tried to quit at the turnaround buoy, she simply removed her rhinestone visor, held it to her heart, and said into the bullhorn, “Chad. Your mother didn’t raise a quitter. She raised a man who paid nine hundred dollars to be here. Now finish the swim so you can suffer on the bike like everyone else.”